


Am I the Ugliest Kind of Soul?

by Lunarflare14



Series: Supernatural Ficlets [6]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Assisted Suicide, Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Miracles, Sam is dead, Souls, Suicide Attempt, Trueform Castiel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-22
Updated: 2013-03-22
Packaged: 2017-12-06 02:11:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/730407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lunarflare14/pseuds/Lunarflare14
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam is dead.</p><p>Dean wants to see Cas--really see him in all his celestial glory.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Am I the Ugliest Kind of Soul?

Sam was dead— never coming back dead. He earned his place in heaven and there he was going to stay, and Dean was alone on Earth. Castiel helped him dig the grave the old fashion way, said that Sam deserved more but this was what he could do. They were out in the middle of nowhere, just him, Cas and Sam’s body—digging.

They stood there afterward and Dean’s hands ache from the effort of using the shovel. Cas put a hand on Dean’s shoulder and squeezed. Dean felt more tears well coming and he held it together the best he could.

But he really just wanted it to be over. No more fighting, no more losing the people he loved.

He was done.

And he knew in heaven there was a spot for him right next to Sam. Maybe Dean needed some reckless hunting or a drive off a cliff.

The vice grip on his arm reminded him that Cas can read minds and was probably doing that right now.

Dean has been known to forget. He forgets all the time what Cas really is. Sometimes he wished he could see him. If only just once…

That was how he wanted to go.

“I want to see you,” he whispered, turning to Castiel. “I want to see you for real.”

There was a kind of beautiful irony in it and Castiel would keep his soul safe. That at least loosened Castiel’s kung fu grip on him. “Dean…” Cas sounded about as done as he felt. Dean trusted Cas with his soul. Most days Dean didn’t want to think about how much he’d come to rely on and trust the angel, especially since he spent that majority of his life believing they didn’t exist.

He was glad he was wrong, because he’d go through all the hard times with Cas again if it meant at the end of the road Cas was still there.

Even after all the hard times, Cas felt a bit like a gift.

What would he have done without Cas? Probably walked straight into Michael’s clutches and let the apocalypse just happen.

Cas didn’t say anything but he started to glow. Deans felt the air pressure change dramatically, like reality was suddenly too heavy and too warm. All the hairs on his body felt like they were standing on end. Then there’s only light and it towers over him like a skyscraper and then it surrounded him… but he didn’t burn. Instead, it enveloped him—curling around him like a protective cocoon. The mass of light was around him and through him, like it wormed its way between every atom of his being and just hugged him.

“Castiel.” He knew it was Cas by the feeling. This was what it felt like to be raised out of hell. This was what he’d felt as he had been remade. His shoulder burned with the memory of being lifted from that dark place and all that blood and fire.

 _Hello, Dean._ It was like a buzz of an electrical current rather than an actual word, but it felt like his name.

His ears didn’t bleed.

Dean was crying again.

But he was laughing too. It was beautiful. It was like fire and electricity and burning and love and home and joy and relief. He could have stayed forever. Dean was reminded of heaven.

This was grace.

Grace from God.

This was Castiel.

Castiel didn’t say it, but this was a miracle. Dean had been on the receiving end of enough weird shit to know God’s work when he saw it. It was funny how beautiful it was. How ironic that he would find out now when he actually asked to see him as a means to end it all.

Dean could stay this way forever. “You’ve been holding out on me, Cas.”

There was a sudden ripple through the energy around him and he just felt it. It touched him down to his soul.

It took a minute for Dean to realize that Cas was laughing, as the energy held on tighter.

Dean felt loved. Loved so beyond what he had ever thought possible. Loved like he was something precious—something frail and fleeting and worth it. It was leaving the brothel and laughing harder than he had in a long time. It was a hand on his shoulder. It was praying and feeling heard. It was the sudden appearances that nearly give him heart attacks and being given the chance to stop his brother—to stop fate.

It was him and Cas together and unable to tell where one ended and the other began. Cas was suddenly humming in earnest, pleading, begging for Dean to live. Dean just knew that was what it was. Once you’re in heaven those memories are it. Those are what you get to have forever. Dean might want to join Sam, but he thought he could make a few more memories on earth.


End file.
